Birdsong and Sunrise

Lucy woke with a start, abruptly pulled from another land. A dream where people were so real, she could feel the pain, the longing, in her chest. And it took her breath away momentarily.

She swung her feet over the side of the bed and pushed herself up, sore from a day in the orchard and months of growing a human. She kept her eyes closed, all the while, trying to call so much of the dream to memory. To keep the feelings of that dream close to her, even as the images fell back into some deep chamber of memory not so easily accessible and long covered over and hidden by years of trying to heal.

That’s the odd thing about dreams. They mix our greatest fears with our greatest desires, the most painful experiences, strung through with some bizarre silver thread that yanks your heart from your chest, holding it out in front of you, dripping in sadness and excitement, yearning to keep feeling something, anything. Held in contrast to the reality of your life now. Yet, magically selecting slivers of past and present realities and weaving them together in such an odd fashion, you’re confronted with a tapestry of things you want and don’t want all at the same time.

Lucy’s dream had her waking up from a two month drug-induced black out only to be taken in by an ex-boyfriend who, in reality, had been the one with the heroin and tequila problem. Yet, in the dream, he was balanced, mature, seeing someone, and clean. Instead, Lucy was the mess, or at least the leftovers of a strung out mess. In real life, the roles had been reversed, Lucy taking care of him during and after weekend benders and social drug use before the bars that soon became a daily habit. She got out of that relationship relatively unscathed, and she knew, objectively, that she had no other choice. But, she still had these dreams every now and then, and it felt as if he was right in front of her, reading sonnets and kissing her eye lids before heading to class. It still left her breathless, wanting.

She exhaled slowly and deeply through the heart ache, floating between worlds. It felt so real, and left her praying for him, for his well-being, his happiness. And, at the same time, she was praying for herself.

She felt a lot of guilt, a lot of shame still, about that time in her life. There was a lot of regret, but also equal parts nostalgia. She had, indeed, been more passionate, creative, free during that time. Since then, she felt like she just kept making decisions to prove to herself that she wasn’t just some impulsive fuck-up wasting away her potential.

Like most things, though, it wasn’t all good or all bad. She wouldn’t be where she was if it wasn’t for those crazy years doing lines and nursing hang-overs between daytime masquerades of having it all together.

It was toward the end of that time that she had met Ben. She was studying at a coffee shop on a regular basis, trying to make up for two years of fucking up and too much fun. Writing papers and attempting to study, although she never really knew what she was dong in that realm. She transitioned from being a regular at the bar, and instead became a regular at the coffee shop. As a regular anywhere does, she started recognizing the other regulars. Ben would sit at a table in the corner, and they started to say hello. After a few all-nighters interspersed with conversation and procrastination, Lucy has learned that Ben was an Agri-Business major and that his family owned a small farm a few hours outside the University. He was set to graduate in the spring and head back home to join his dad in heading up the business.

During those weeks, Ben’s younger brother, Abel, would also join them on occasion, barreling into the conversation and leaving just as quickly as he came. Abel had followed Ben to school, but had chosen a slightly different path academically. He had floated around a bit his first two years, focusing more on running with the U’s track and cross country teams than his studies. But, he eventually settled into Agri-Business and pre-law, telling Lucy and Ben about his plans to move to the city and take down big business that was trying to buy up family farms like their own.

Where Ben was focused and steady, Abel was a bolt of lightening. But, in both of them she saw a strong commitment to what their family had built and a path toward their goals, although they went about forging them a bit differently.

During Ben’s last semester, they all decided to take an elective together and ended up spending more time walking between classes and meeting to study. Lucy would talk about her professor’s research and thoughts of grad school, the steps she would need to take in her final year to continue on after. Ben would share updates from his father on the spring maintenance of the orchard and his plans to return home that summer. And slowly, they became friends, and then more than friends.

All during the same time they were getting to know each other, Lucy was quietly backing away from the wild, emotional roller coaster that was her ex, which finally ended with him safely tucked into a rehab facility and her choosing to sever ties for her own good. She knew she needed to run, and having met Ben during that time, she felt a bit steadier, like she had something to run to, or at least to run with.

Their relationship progressed as long-distance relationships often do, late night phone calls, weekend and holiday visits. Lucy finished out her final year, graduating and then continuing on as a research assistant in one of the biological science labs, moving right into a grad program that offered a healthy balance of research and teaching.

After visiting Ben’s family’s orchard and hearing about and seeing first hand the trials and tribulations of farming and produce growth, and the negative impact of pests and disease, she became acutely interested in studying the health of plants and treatment of their ailments. So, she was building a career on it. Now, in her final year of grad school, and making plans to start her own lab, she was faced with a few new obstacles. At the present time, being 30 weeks pregnant was one of them. But, she wasn’t going to let that stop her from moving forward with her plans. Ben was supportive and they were making this, among other things, work.